The hosting gig from hell and the jokes that died
The Golden Globes might have looked like a glitzy party on screen, but behind the scenes, it was a bloody battlefield of punchlines. Host Nikki Glaser just hit the airwaves with Howard Stern to reveal the scorched-earth material that she was forced to scrap before showtime. It turns out the “safe” version we saw on TV was nothing compared to the vicious verbal daggers she had aimed at Hollywood’s biggest A-listers. Glaser admitted that the pressure to be “award show friendly” nearly suffocated her savage instincts.
The -year-old comedian confessed that some of her best material was left on the cutting room floor because the PR spin machines and sensitive egos in the room couldn’t handle the heat. Insider whispers suggest that network execs were sweating bullets over Glaser’s aggressive tone, fearing a total celebrity boycott if she went too far. From Sydney Sweeney to Brad Pitt, no one was safe until the suspiciously timed edits were made to her monologue.
Sydney Sweeney’s box office bomb gets a brutal roast
One of the most shocking details Glaser revealed was a joke aimed directly at Sydney Sweeney‘s massive November flop, Christy. The biopic, which saw Sweeney playing a lesbian boxer, famously tanked with a pathetic . million dollar opening weekend. Glaser told Stern she planned to joke that the movie made a grand total of dollars because audiences just aren’t going to theaters. It was a paparazzi-style jab at a star whose star power might be flickering after such a high-profile disaster.
Why did it get cut? Glaser claims the joke wasn’t “killing” in club tests and Sweeney wasn’t even going to be in the room to take the hit. But leaks from the rehearsal process suggest that the joke was actually deemed too mean for the show’s opening. Box Office Mojo has already labeled Christy as one of the top worst openings in history for a wide release, and apparently, Hollywood isn’t ready to laugh at its own financial failures just yet.
I bet Sydney is glad she skipped the show. Nikki would have absolutely buried her career in five minutes.
The AI actress scandal and the Epstein list
Things got even darker when Glaser brought up Tilly Norwood, the first-ever AI-generated actress. Glaser had two jokes lined up about the digital starlet that were so explosive
Glaser didn’t stop there, revealing she also had material about the infamous Epstein list. “There’s too much sexual assault going on,” she told Stern, explaining why the network scrubbed the jokes. The comedian even cracked a joke about the AI star looking but having “eyes that say, ‘I do anal.'” This kind of lawsuit-baiting humor is exactly why Glaser is the most feared woman in comedy, but it’s also why her script was heavily censored before the first champagne bottle was popped.
Brad Pitt and the age-gap double standard
Even Brad Pitt couldn’t escape the carnage. Glaser had a lengthy roast prepared for the -year-old F star, mocking the suspicious behavior of Hollywood’s double standards. She pointed out that while Pitt gets to play a sexy racecar driver at , women over are relegated to playing tired moms who hate their lives. It was a sharp pacing of the industry’s blatant sexism that likely would have caused a riot in the ballroom.
Glaser’s joke about Pitt’s driving—suggesting he hasn’t driven himself anywhere in years and kept his blinker on the whole time—was disputed by those who want to keep the “cool Brad” image alive. Rumors suggest that Pitt’s camp is extremely protective of his image as a rugged leading man, and Glaser’s aggressive roast of his age was seen as a total deal-breaker for the show’s high-profile vibe. The behind-the-scenes chaos over this joke reportedly lasted for hours before it was finally axed.
Brad is untouchable in that room. Nikki is lucky she didn’t get banned for life just for writing that!
Sean Penn: The man who looks like a leather handbag
The only person who truly got a taste of Glaser’s acid tongue was Sean Penn. Glaser admitted she was terrified of how the room would react to her comparing Penn to a “sexy leather handbag.” She even had to check with Jimmy Kimmel and David Spade to see if she would survive the night if she told it. Insider whispers say Penn was visibly fuming during the monologue, and the tension was palpable as he looked like the “defiant last tree standing in a rainforest.”
But wait, there’s more. Glaser revealed even meaner jokes about Penn’s “hickory smoked and mesquite flavors” and his “lower eyelids” being the hardest working actors in the room. She even went after Leonardo DiCaprio in the same breath, mocking his notorious habit of dating younger women by suggesting he squints just to read his girlfriend’s ID. It was a chaotic barrage of insults that proved Glaser wasn’t there to make friends, she was there to burn the house down.
Julia Roberts and the hunt for an audience
Even the Pretty Woman herself, Julia Roberts, was on the hit list. Glaser had a joke about Roberts’ film After the Hunt, suggesting the “hunt” was actually to find someone who had actually seen the movie. Glaser recalled that when she tested the joke at comedy clubs, the audience turned on her so hard she thought she would be tarred and feathered. It seems some stars are still too beloved for even Nikki Glaser to touch without major consequences.
The cliffhanger that has everyone talking is what other secrets Glaser is still holding onto. If these were the jokes she was willing to share with Stern, what was in the super-secret vault that even she was too afraid to repeat? As the fallout from the Golden Globes continues, one thing is certain: Nikki Glaser has shattered the illusion of awards show politeness. The rumors of a permanent ban for Glaser are already swirling, but if this was her last time hosting, she certainly made sure to spill the tea on the way out.
Would you like me to investigate the specific network emails that led to these jokes being cut?
